As I worry how I'm going to finish my four-level outline for EUROCON and makes notes for the next day, at the back of my mind, that omnipresent Space Marine Librarian quote rings all throughout...

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."

I should be slapped for forgetting this quote, which seems to explain a lot of things. I would blame a lot of things for my misfortune, but that would disgrace the mantra of which I live by, that of existentialism, telling me to take responsibility of every aspect of my life and not blame everything on a non-existant being used as a scapegoat everywhere.

As I search through the years, trying to recount and recall what I possibly did wrong, the damned Brother-Librarian Isador Akios, through the madness of Chaos that has enveloped him, reaches out to me...

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. Never hope, never expect, for when everything around you no longer makes sense, hope only amplifies the pain and is useless, because you yearn for something you know will never come.

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. Hope is the secret behind the opiate of the masses. Remove it, then they actually do something that will do them good, which is act without expectation, without hope for reward. Her arrival into my life ushering happiness like never before is but utter bullcrap. She is a figment of my imagination, She is my opiate, She is my hope which obviously left me hanging, pushing me to ends unseen in my life, yet She is not here, because She does not exist.

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. I have traversed this road one too many times, the tires have lost their treads, the engine is running out of fuel. There is that fork on the road that leads to happiness, but it is never accessible with people blocking the road. I think I can no longer travel this road full of spikes and oil slicks, I don't mind driving over the cliff.

To be honest, I think I can never stop hoping. But I will remind myself every time my heart jumps, every time my eyes sparkle, every time a chill goes down my spine in anticipation. I'm tired of waiting for the promised land, I am on my own.

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.

Quote for day: "Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment." ~ Brother-Librarian Isador Akios

Currently feeling: (~_\\\)

Earlier today we finished watching the movie 'Rent' for our GENDERS, basically Gender Studies. The movie itself is very much like a musical, with numbers every other minute. The singing's good, but what I really loved was the story and philosophical undertones the movie presented, clothed in social issues such as sexuality and drug addiction. I won't bother and go through the movie itself as that would deviate from the true center of this post. But I do highly recommend it to those with open minds and those willing to look deeper than what is first presented.

We're a ship without a storm
The cold without the warm

Angel and Collins, Joanne and Maureen. These two couples are still somewhat taboos in societies that value conservatism and the conventional gender roles that society places on them. But still they are genuinely happy, especially the former, as Collins stuck until Angel finally give in to AIDS. Also it's striking how the 'family' of the cast has a breakdown when she dies, and is made apparent that she is the glue of that 'family'.

She was very important in their lives, despite the fact that by many standards she can be considered as a pest in society. A flaunting drag-queen, she still became an integral part of people's lives. Is this how it is when someone we hold dear moves on? Even though society shuns someone, it shows that they can still make a huge positive impact on lives.

Through all this I suddenly turn inward. Have I made an impact on people's lives? Does it even matter? And of course I begin to dwell on more selfish questions. Who would cry at my grave? My family would be there of course, but who else would? Would there be anybody else for that matter?

We're a laugh without a tear
The hope without the fear

They seemed genuinely happy, throughout all the conflicts, they found a way. How could they have pulled it off? Is that how it is to have someone truly dear to you? Through the bad things that happened to them throughout their lives, they found a way. Is this how it is too be truly loved? If this is indeed the case, then I am truly jealous that they have something so precious, so powerful.

Purpose. What is yours, ours, mine? Is it attainable only when you find that someone? I feel empty, purposeless. For so long I have yearned purpose, for someone to show me purpose. And for as long as I have yearned I have been denied. What is my purpose? Will they miss me when I'm gone? Am I worth dying for? Am I worth living for? I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying irrelevant and alone, I believe this is what we're truly afraid of.

I have no princess to defend
But I have hordes of dragons to fend

No castle wall to shield me
Only vindication as fuel through the agony

The full extent of my thoughts are lost in the cosmos, as if I am to fully express myself here my thoughts must be as fresh as a newborn. All that I know is that I am lost, and no one wants to take me in.

I'm the ship without the storm
I'm the cold inside the warm
I'm the laugh without the tear
I'm the far without the near
I'm the last in line

Quote for the day: "Once you've played WoW, there's one thing you'll learn: Asians don't know how to make MMORPGs." ~ Iñigo Ambas

Currently feeling: gadpakingdamit