As with every vacation for the last 4 years I have done nothing but waste away at my house, and the situation has worsened I might say since I have stopped playing on my PS2 with the advent of the next-gen consoles of which I am unable to acquire obviously. XD But this vacation has not been a lost cause. Much has happened that have made me think deeply of myself and of others.

The shift of the emotional contours from my previous post to this one is enormous. 1st off I have decided to stop pursuing Bea. She's my best friend for Christ's sake, and she's already giving me enough headaches as it is, what more if I stepped up the ladder? I wouldn't have it any other way of course, and this isn't the real reason, which I will not put here.

Over the course of the days wherein we would pester each other from dusk 'til dawn, I have learned of her innate ability to attract at least one of the male species wherever she would spend enough time in, like her new job as a call center agent. And also I have experienced the cursed nature of this innate ability when it came to resolving issues of the past, of which it is very difficult to deal with.

On my way to writing this entry, I passed by her blog over at Multiply to look for something, something she would like for her birthday. But scrolling I glanced by glass shards that would hit my eye every now and then pertaining to said issues brought forth by her innate ability which from this point I shall call, the "Choco Fudge Factor". As any friend would do I tried to help her resolve these issues, trying to impart some of my experience, as I too find it hard to deal with past issues, but somehow I have gained a certain degree of control over what would be dangerous emotions.

Frankly I'm not sure whether we have really resolved these issues, as I believe that we can never really forget someone we truly cared for, and that's why we must learn to live and let go. Also, I personally, faced a great test just recently brought forth by one of her past issues. Ironic that I told her that it would be a test if she has really let go, when I myself am going through insecurities within my mind while trying to stay strong for the both of us. It is good to say that we have come out for the better after this ordeal.

This has made me think of the great, perpetual insecurities within myself, and my mistakes. Some of the glass shards that hit my eye include snippets of her apologizing to whoever she wanted to because she wasn't good enough. I wish she stopped doing that, because from what I understand from the situation she has suffered enough to repay any wrongdoing she has done and deserves better.

Sometimes I think if I am worthy of her, and I don't think I ever will be given her standards. My greatest fear is that somewhere along the line, this may end up a similar ending to what happened to me and Gene.

I became irrelevant.

But I shall never turn back on my solemn duty as her friend. This alone gives me strength and fights back the demons, old and new, that have haunted me for the longest time.

Quote for the day: "Battles are fought by those with the courage to believe. They are won by those who find the heart to share." ~ Manowar - Courage

Currently feeling: semi-QQ

Aaaaah, it's the start of the academic year once again for students of De La Salle University - Manila. For many students this is the start of a whole new life for them as they begin their voyage at this stage of their lives. For some, like me, it's been an all too familiar signal of the passing of time.

"Tangina ID108 na this year, ang tanda ko na puta."

Ever since I realized this fact that has been the immediate response. For some reason I feel old and somewhat left out with many of my friends graduating or nearing graduation while I'm stuck with the 106 people with a full year to go.

When I was a senior in high school I felt powerful, being able to push around the lower batches. Now in my 4th year in this school where you're only suppoesd to spend 3 this has served nothing more but to remind me of mistakes that could've easily been avoided.

-o0o-

If last term was any indicator, this term is going to be a doozy. Barely surviving 1 major and getting mediocre grades in 2 majors where I could've gotten higher jogged me into setting my mental state even before this term began. I was blitzkrieged with the amount of work dumped on us on the first week alone and knocked me off my game, adding my usual lethargic self at the start of every academic term really did it in for me. I hope I can avert another disastrous term by being hot right at the start.

I'll add QQ and pewpew thoughts here when I get the chance, if I get the chance and if I want to take that chance, mama's hot on my heels lol.

Quote for the day: "I'll know what to say when you walk away, but what do I do with my heart?" ~ The Eagles - What Do I Do With My Heart

At the end of it all, I always ask myself, why can't I be someone? Will I ever be someone? Why can't I be the one to wipe someone's tears away, be the shoulder they cry on, be the one they share their burden with, when it absolutely tears me apart to see them so sad?

Irrelevant, that's what I've been for the most part. It tears me up to know that many of the people I've cared for do not value what I give when I give a lot of myself to them.

Sorry for the QQ post, I again just wanted to let some steam out.

Quote for the day: "Where's your crown, King Nothing?" ~ Metallica - King Nothing

Currently feeling: QQ lolz